men in my life

Its been a confusing journey. As I healed from a broken marraige, I stoppped swearing off men and began to find myself having an appetite for men once more. The hardest part is that while I am eager to be in a relationship I know It may never be a reality.

I have had a man pursuing me for many months and I foudn myself falling for him for a while, not so long ago. But I realized that his motives were not to honor god with our relationship but to fulfill selfish desires adn my motives were in part to feel worth loving once more.

I learned about myself. I thought that being an adult I could have complete self control, yet when faced with sudden unexpected intemacy my urge was to give up all former standards and just give into passion of the moment. I felt like the worst person on earth for having those feelings. I didnt however give into those feelings even when thoroughly enticed. i did however put myself in a bad situation repeatedly because I wanted the intimacey even though I wasnt ready for real commitment. The experience showed me a few things. First of all, I am sexually awake and easily aroused so I need to gaurd myself always.
secondly, I was able to stop, be rational and stop any advances so there was nothign more than a fleeting thought that I rebuked.... yt temptation was tremdous!!!

How would any othe girl respond if a muscular guy, tells you he would love to one day marry if it works out, and he holds you close to his bare chest and tells you how deeply he cares about you....... what would any other girl think.

I counted all the pros and cons..... I saw that he was good with money, a good friend, faithful, good to his family, well liked, handy and so much more.....but the one thing that stopped everythign in the tracks was that I asked him one simple question so I could know whether I could court him. I asked what his main objective was in life.... what he wanted most from this life.

He told me he wanted to marry, and be happy...

Bad answer..... because it shows that his only objective is to fulfill his own desires.... and its a selfish existance, yet a typicaly worldly answer.

My answer to the same question was that I wanted so badly to servie God with my life and make a difference on earth before I pass, even if it means just affecting one person's life for the better. . I explained that my greatest joy in life is to serve and bless others as God leads..... nothing compares.

he couldnt understand that kind of heart becuase it was foriegn, so I realized that no matter how financially stable, how, loveing, how handsome, or sexy or kind or wondful a guy is.. if he doesnt have God as his top priority then i am suddenly turned off. completely.


Meanwhile... I am interested in getting to know another fellow and I am trying to do so....... but its a slow and arduious process. Ive decided to live each day, honor god and hope he'll be willing to allow me to be loved by a man who loves him thoroughly and completely.

I want a Godly man who is wise with money, relationships, his time, and his purity. I want a man who will love me for who I am. I have one dysfuntional thought. I keep thingking I would be valueable to a man if..... I were thinner and if I didnt have a history of beign so badly abused. I feel ashamed and dont want to tell anyone.
I keep feeling like I am much less valuable because of my history!

HE said we'd talke one day and he wants me to tell him my story...... Im so afraid!! I shouldnt be ashamed but It feels like a strange story belonging to someone else right now and I jsut dont want it to be mine..... I want my past to dissapear and fo rme to not have to share it........ only for fear of shame or rejections or??? Why am I so scared. If I am ever to be loved for who I am, then the guy wont be scared off by my story....

So I give up HIM to God....... may my heart be protected and my God open or close our hearts towards each other as is his Will. I shouldnt look for a Godly man........ I should wait for God to place his hand in mine,...... but I want a friendship with him and hope to know him better..

thats all for now,

kirsten,,,,,

Where?
Where do I go on those dark cold nights?
When the pain and the anguish thunders through my heart
And it feels that the agony of it all might over take me
As I curl up on the floor, my face drenched with tears
My body shaking violently from the surges of grief that overcome me
As I wonder if tomorrow will ever come, and how I can make it through today,
Where do I go…….
To you God, that’s where.. To You!
By Kirsten

April 1. 2006

Oh Fragile Heart

Oh Fragile Heart


Oh fragile heart,
I see your tears,
the aching of your soul
I watch you crying deep inside
not wanting him to know.

Oh fragile heart,
your breaking
underneath the lies once told,
they echo in the empty, lonely
chasms of your soul.

Oh fragile heart,
you loved so pure,
your trust was so sincere
So quickly though, was swept away
upon a silent tear.

Oh fragile heart,
protected once
but left to break once more,
I’m watching you, with tender thoughts,
to hear the hurt you bore.

Oh fragile heart,
love still lives on
despite the pain you bear.
so don’t loose hope, or run and hide,
there's so much love to share.

Oh fragile heart,
let moments pass,
to mend the tears you hold,
no pain's too deep, not hurt to strong
let tough love make you bold.

Oh fragile heart,
I know your scared,
but stand and fight for life,
stomp on your fears, tread through the pain,
dont be the battered wife.

Oh fragile heart,
so lost in tears
look up for hope to come,
you feel alone, and of no worth
but really you are not

Kirsten - first 5 verses written in 2000 aproximately,
last verses written 2007

My heart is fragile. I feel worthless, and alone, but I know this too will pass

Grasping for the truth of God

I realize that I have been blinded by pain. Pain that I didnt expect, and wasnt prepared to handle. I havent yet figured out why I am hurting so much. Maybe part of the reason is that I have put on a happy face and pressed forward, forbidding myself to feel or work through the deep emotions that have been inside me all along. But, when the can of worms regarding court, came open, I found myself thrust from a world of denial and numbness to a bold realization of the deep pain I carry with me each day.

All that unresolved grief, fear, anxiety and hurt has been left to fester. Then when something else hurtful adds to the heap, its like someone topped off a glass of fluid that was already brimming, causing it to instantly overflow.

With the sudden brimming of emotional yuck... came deep hard questions.
1. Am I of any value?
2. does God really love me?
3. Will I ever live without abuse?
4. Wll there ever be peace in my life?
5. Will the nightmares ever end?
6. Will I ever feel safe and secure?
7. Is my life worth anything..... or is my only purpose now, to raise my kids?
8. Did God plan all this hurt? if so why did he intend so much pain for my life?
9. Will I ever stop hurting?
10. Is there hope for healing in my life?

Those questions and more have pummelted my mind. With them comes waves of tears, hopelessness, grief, anger, dissalutionment, and utter despair.

I have decided to plead with God to reveal truth to me. If I am worthless and he doesnt value my life. If I am just another speck of dust...... with no value to him, then I'd like to know that. Honestly, I do believe that to be the truth.

I hear the hords of statements by christians, saying God loves you..... I say how do I know this. If you actually read the bible it is not all about God's love to EVERYONE. It is God's love to some and God's curse upon others. He sends destruction to whole nations, and curses them. He has close intimate relationships with some, but....... he allows terribly pain and suffering in the lives of many many many others.

I want to know where I stand and what the truth is.... No pat answers, no quotes for Jeremiah, or other passages that people apply to everyone. I know that verses like Jeremy 31, where it says, " I knwo the plans I have for you says the Lord........ etc" are thrown around in every church, but ....... does anyone notice that God was speakign to Jeremiah... Not to everyoen. He did not have plans for good for everyone. Look at the rest of hte bible. He had plans for destruction for many many many. So should I take the words meant for Jeremiah and apply it to my life. I dont think a philistine could have taken that passage, or the descendants of Esau.
So why shoudl I believe that he thinks those things for me. Maybe his plan for my life is for me to live a life of pain. So far..... that is what my life has been.

So I jsut want to find the truth, and I am asking God himself to reveal it....

What is real and what is percieved

As a child, I always believed I was born for adversity. I was born for no other reason than to be hated, defiled, hurt and abused.

Through my marriage, that belief became reinforced repeatedly as my husband would say" you are nothing Bitch, you are nothing.

I fervently drew close to God and even esteemed myself in that, because I loved God he might possibly love me in return. My husband resented my relationship towards God and mocked it, shaming me for my desire to be close to God. He'd seethingly say things like " well aren't you such a good little christian". I still pressed on believing that God really might possibly love me and accept me as long as I continued to love him.

but no matter how much I invested in my relationship with God....... I didn't see God affirming that I was indeed loved by him. Just when I thought, something was a sign that I was of value to him..... I'd be crushed with disappointment.

For instance. I asked God if he'd allow me to have a home, like my friend Gaylene. Soon, her home became mine and I felt loved by God. I felt like he was affirming that I was precious to him and that he would take care of me to show me his love. But soon, we lost our home, i lost my marriage, I became homeless and the dream home that I believed was a symbol of God's love to me, became a source of hurt. I thought, maybe God wasn't trying to show me love after all, Maybe I was never worth anything and it was a coincidence not a miracle as I once perceived.

My recent job, seemed to be an answer to prayer and a blessing to God. others said.... it just goes to show how God cares about you. I began to hope again, that maybe it was true. Maybe God did love me and did want to take care of me. Suddenly that came crashing down, as I was laid off, because I have been a former victim of domestic violence. The lay off was illegal, but God knew and for saw all this. So is it that, I gave God glory for something he didn't intend for good. Maybe I perceived it to be a God thing and it wasn't or maybe, God simply doesn't love me and never did!

I have a few precious people in my life that consistently tell me I have worth and that I am loved. I struggle to receive their words as truth, although I hunger for that. I yearn and ache, wishing it were so, but I don't know.

Was I born, without purpose, or value to God. He valued some but not all...... what about me . Am I anything....... or just dust..... of no consequence.

Two ideas are at war within me. What is real? The belief that God really does love me and has plans to prosper me.

Or.. was that a message to Jeremiah thousands of years ago..... and God by no means loves me and that explains why he allows me to constantly be mistreated and tossed away like trash.

What is true..... what is real and what is only percieved?

Honesty or a sham for survival

I write this post, while blinded by a torrent of tears. I have to come to realization that the only way to fit into this world is to submit a portrayal of life that others accept. But that is not acceptable to me.

Everyone walks around, sayign things like "how are you?" but no one wants to hear. If on the rare occasion one is completely honest, vulnerable and sincere, the world gasps in shock. Then come the after shock , which is far worse...... honesty brings pain.

I know this from my depth of experience on the subject of pain. I doesn't matter whether it is someone honestly answering a simple question such as " how do I look in this?" or any other question for that matter. Honesty reaps pain.

No one wants to hear the truth. They want a psuedo reality. The world wants you to tell them " fine" when they ask how you are. They want to you make every truth a blurr of white lies to cover the fact that society as a whole cant handle truth.

What if I walked into a room and told everyone that my heart is breaking so badly that I keep asking God to end my life, the sooner the better. What if? And gasps, fly high. But...... no one wants truth. So no matter how much a person hurts, the world wants you to pretend you are ok.

The painful cost of honesty in my life has cost me, and cost me. Yet, I hate deciet. How Ironic is that!!! Tonight, I recieved phone call from my boss. She told me that she is very pleased with my work, and happy with all I do. However, a week and a half ago, I suddenly had to rush to court on the mainland in order to urgently respond to Bill's request to remove restraining orders. I told my boss I had to go to court immediately to secure the custody of my children. She asked questions. Of course everyone knows that if one parent was given sole custody... that means there is an issue with the father. I was honest and told her that I have a restraining order against him, and need to ensure that it is maintained thorugh the courts.

She thought about those things .... and meanwhile foolish me.... I didnt realize my honesty would cost so much. My boss realized that, if something unforseen happened, such as my ex showing up to yell at me. She would be placing Casey in a situation where she cant protect herself.

There is very little likelyhood that my ex would ever show his face. And she knows that. but she said that knowing I have a restraining order out on him, says enough. And I can not guarantee to anyone that he would never find us and go into a rage. Being that I work next door to my home, he would be likely be able to confront me there. And for that reason, I lost my job!!!! She said she could loose her standing as Commitee over Casey's wellfare should someone discover she is knowingly employing a person who could attract harm to Casey, no matter how remote that chance. She decided she cant take the chance. She had to lay me off.

I lost my job because I told my boss why I was heading to the coast. I lost my job because my hsuband has abused me and my children. I lost my job because I was honest about my life. She assured me that she'd rehire me, if my situation became secure and in the meantime she'd write me a reccomendation letter and see if she could get me a job elsewhere.

The bottom line is........ I lost my job because I was honest. I didnt say lots. I didnt spend a half hour giving her details. But..... my life story of abuse and shame is enough to destroy my future apparently. I quite honestly hate my life.

I dread the idea of anyone getting to know me, because I find it impossible to avoid the probing questions that all somehow lead to the true story behind my life. That story being that I have spent the past 35 years, struggling through abusive relationships. I have been defiled and destroyed in more ways than can be destribed on paper.

So in my heart I yearn earnestly to hide my reality. I want to pretend I am a single mother, possibly widowed, who had a normal loving family and a normal childhood. That is deciet.

If anyone wants to get to know me....... I dont know how to hide my story. I dont know how to conceal the harsh reality of the life I have lived. People ask questions. lots of questions. I cant lie.... but the truth constantly leads to so much pain, so much hurt.

I want to live a happy life. I want to love and be loved in return. I want to feel what it is to live in peace. I have yet to experience that for any length of time. Instead my life is a constant rollercoaster of turbulent events that are far out of my grasp.

I know that God orchestrates and plans our lives. I know he plans mine. What I cant figure out, is why God planned on my life to be so descrated and shredded by the perpetual assualts of others. And why God allows the past to rule my future. I so badly wanted a fresh start on the Island. A new beginning. But I dont get one. I have instead a husband who is eager to rip our family in shreds and devastate the children and myself without a second thought. And I am left to pick up the pieces. And as a consequence to the onslough of abuse we survived, the past refuses to stay in the past. Its rearing its ugly head. I want to hide it and conceal it.... and I cant. So I be honest.... and loose my job, my income my source of groceries for my growing children.

I give up...... my quest for integrity and purity leads me into destruction.

As I see it, there are two paths........

I can hide my past...... keep everythign that goes on .... a complete secret. I can pretend to the world that I am fine and that everything is wonderful. Meanwhile I'd secretly fight the giants alone.... I'd share nothing, concealing every detail, every emotion, every struggle, knowing full well that if I share even a tiny bit... people ask more and the truth spills out like a milk from an over turned jug.

Or

I be transparent. I develop a network of friends whom I can trust and I share openly the struggles I am going through. When asked a question by others, such an an employer, I would not purposely decieve them, I'd be truthful. When meeting people, I'd refuse to hide the truth of my life, because this is the life I have been given for a reason. So I'd be honest, open and sincere, hoping I could encourage and inspire them with my journey to healing. But the cost .......oh the cost for that sort of life it soooooo high!!

The cost is... perpetual rejection, dissaproval from others, I could loose my livelyhood... ( oh wait, I just did) I could loose sight of hope..... because the person who would hear the truth of my life story the most would be me! I resent my life. I resent my marraige. My faith is shaken to the core, as I contemplate why God would have planned so much pain for me. And I think.... just I was not loved by my family or my spouse, in the way others are loved. Maybe just maybe God cant possibly love me either and thus explaining why I live in this constant storm of painful events that swirl out of my control, destroying my hopes and dreams over and over and over again.

And that very thought returns me to the torrent of tears that sweep down my face even now. If, for a moment I were honest with both myself and others..... I'd say that I am devastated by life, and yearn for life to end. I am crushed by my reality and ashamed of the life I was created for. I am ashamed of my story, of my childhood and my marraige, not for what I have done but what has been done to me and my children.

I ask myself once more....... do I live honestly with this incredibly painful reality or do I conceal my life, live a sham all for the sake of survival in this heartless world?

Being Honest with Myself

In the past few days I have been forced by circumstances to be much more honest with myself. I find that livng in a world of pretending everything is ok.... makes it easier to cope and to portray an image of having myself together.

Honestly, I want myself and others to believe that I am doing well and that I can handle life just fine despite the pain and amount of abuse I have lived through.

Sept. 10th,I was required to make a point form list of the worst of those abuses at the hands of my ex husband, and submit them to the court in order to be able to protect my children and myself from further trauma and abuse.

It was so hard. I fought with denial and minimization all week. I didnt want to put the facts in writing. On paper it sounded so harsh even though it was point form and non-descriptive.

I was shocked to realize the depth of denial I was living in, and the depth of pain that is still inside me. Lying to myself. and then subconscously presenting myself as more whole than I am, is not purity of heart.

Its deciet. Although it isnt intended to be so..... fact is...... it is. So what now. God is doing the work on my heart. I went to visit a counselor for my son, and she signed me up for counselling for ME. She marvelled at how I spoke of horrific things with no emotion and a smile! She notes my denial, and slowly as i spoke I began to feel. By evening ....... I could feel much deeper.

I attended a divorce care class and nearly burst in tears in front of everyone. By evening, as I let myself feel the pain I'd been denying, I was overcome with grief and hurt. I walked around feeling like I had been in a car accident and was bleeding to death internally, but no one could see the seriousness of my wounds.

I was shocked, and what I saw in myself upon taking a more honest look at the condition of my heart.

The battle rages on.
I still want to be a super mom, not allow myself to let depression take hold, not allow myself to fall apart. I need to have it all together.

or do I?

What is the lie?