Its been a confusing journey. As I healed from a broken marraige, I stoppped swearing off men and began to find myself having an appetite for men once more. The hardest part is that while I am eager to be in a relationship I know It may never be a reality.
I have had a man pursuing me for many months and I foudn myself falling for him for a while, not so long ago. But I realized that his motives were not to honor god with our relationship but to fulfill selfish desires adn my motives were in part to feel worth loving once more.
I learned about myself. I thought that being an adult I could have complete self control, yet when faced with sudden unexpected intemacy my urge was to give up all former standards and just give into passion of the moment. I felt like the worst person on earth for having those feelings. I didnt however give into those feelings even when thoroughly enticed. i did however put myself in a bad situation repeatedly because I wanted the intimacey even though I wasnt ready for real commitment. The experience showed me a few things. First of all, I am sexually awake and easily aroused so I need to gaurd myself always.
secondly, I was able to stop, be rational and stop any advances so there was nothign more than a fleeting thought that I rebuked.... yt temptation was tremdous!!!
How would any othe girl respond if a muscular guy, tells you he would love to one day marry if it works out, and he holds you close to his bare chest and tells you how deeply he cares about you....... what would any other girl think.
I counted all the pros and cons..... I saw that he was good with money, a good friend, faithful, good to his family, well liked, handy and so much more.....but the one thing that stopped everythign in the tracks was that I asked him one simple question so I could know whether I could court him. I asked what his main objective was in life.... what he wanted most from this life.
He told me he wanted to marry, and be happy...
Bad answer..... because it shows that his only objective is to fulfill his own desires.... and its a selfish existance, yet a typicaly worldly answer.
My answer to the same question was that I wanted so badly to servie God with my life and make a difference on earth before I pass, even if it means just affecting one person's life for the better. . I explained that my greatest joy in life is to serve and bless others as God leads..... nothing compares.
he couldnt understand that kind of heart becuase it was foriegn, so I realized that no matter how financially stable, how, loveing, how handsome, or sexy or kind or wondful a guy is.. if he doesnt have God as his top priority then i am suddenly turned off. completely.
Meanwhile... I am interested in getting to know another fellow and I am trying to do so....... but its a slow and arduious process. Ive decided to live each day, honor god and hope he'll be willing to allow me to be loved by a man who loves him thoroughly and completely.
I want a Godly man who is wise with money, relationships, his time, and his purity. I want a man who will love me for who I am. I have one dysfuntional thought. I keep thingking I would be valueable to a man if..... I were thinner and if I didnt have a history of beign so badly abused. I feel ashamed and dont want to tell anyone.
I keep feeling like I am much less valuable because of my history!
HE said we'd talke one day and he wants me to tell him my story...... Im so afraid!! I shouldnt be ashamed but It feels like a strange story belonging to someone else right now and I jsut dont want it to be mine..... I want my past to dissapear and fo rme to not have to share it........ only for fear of shame or rejections or??? Why am I so scared. If I am ever to be loved for who I am, then the guy wont be scared off by my story....
So I give up HIM to God....... may my heart be protected and my God open or close our hearts towards each other as is his Will. I shouldnt look for a Godly man........ I should wait for God to place his hand in mine,...... but I want a friendship with him and hope to know him better..
thats all for now,
kirsten,,,,,
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