Grasping for the truth of God

I realize that I have been blinded by pain. Pain that I didnt expect, and wasnt prepared to handle. I havent yet figured out why I am hurting so much. Maybe part of the reason is that I have put on a happy face and pressed forward, forbidding myself to feel or work through the deep emotions that have been inside me all along. But, when the can of worms regarding court, came open, I found myself thrust from a world of denial and numbness to a bold realization of the deep pain I carry with me each day.

All that unresolved grief, fear, anxiety and hurt has been left to fester. Then when something else hurtful adds to the heap, its like someone topped off a glass of fluid that was already brimming, causing it to instantly overflow.

With the sudden brimming of emotional yuck... came deep hard questions.
1. Am I of any value?
2. does God really love me?
3. Will I ever live without abuse?
4. Wll there ever be peace in my life?
5. Will the nightmares ever end?
6. Will I ever feel safe and secure?
7. Is my life worth anything..... or is my only purpose now, to raise my kids?
8. Did God plan all this hurt? if so why did he intend so much pain for my life?
9. Will I ever stop hurting?
10. Is there hope for healing in my life?

Those questions and more have pummelted my mind. With them comes waves of tears, hopelessness, grief, anger, dissalutionment, and utter despair.

I have decided to plead with God to reveal truth to me. If I am worthless and he doesnt value my life. If I am just another speck of dust...... with no value to him, then I'd like to know that. Honestly, I do believe that to be the truth.

I hear the hords of statements by christians, saying God loves you..... I say how do I know this. If you actually read the bible it is not all about God's love to EVERYONE. It is God's love to some and God's curse upon others. He sends destruction to whole nations, and curses them. He has close intimate relationships with some, but....... he allows terribly pain and suffering in the lives of many many many others.

I want to know where I stand and what the truth is.... No pat answers, no quotes for Jeremiah, or other passages that people apply to everyone. I know that verses like Jeremy 31, where it says, " I knwo the plans I have for you says the Lord........ etc" are thrown around in every church, but ....... does anyone notice that God was speakign to Jeremiah... Not to everyoen. He did not have plans for good for everyone. Look at the rest of hte bible. He had plans for destruction for many many many. So should I take the words meant for Jeremiah and apply it to my life. I dont think a philistine could have taken that passage, or the descendants of Esau.
So why shoudl I believe that he thinks those things for me. Maybe his plan for my life is for me to live a life of pain. So far..... that is what my life has been.

So I jsut want to find the truth, and I am asking God himself to reveal it....