Being Honest with Myself

In the past few days I have been forced by circumstances to be much more honest with myself. I find that livng in a world of pretending everything is ok.... makes it easier to cope and to portray an image of having myself together.

Honestly, I want myself and others to believe that I am doing well and that I can handle life just fine despite the pain and amount of abuse I have lived through.

Sept. 10th,I was required to make a point form list of the worst of those abuses at the hands of my ex husband, and submit them to the court in order to be able to protect my children and myself from further trauma and abuse.

It was so hard. I fought with denial and minimization all week. I didnt want to put the facts in writing. On paper it sounded so harsh even though it was point form and non-descriptive.

I was shocked to realize the depth of denial I was living in, and the depth of pain that is still inside me. Lying to myself. and then subconscously presenting myself as more whole than I am, is not purity of heart.

Its deciet. Although it isnt intended to be so..... fact is...... it is. So what now. God is doing the work on my heart. I went to visit a counselor for my son, and she signed me up for counselling for ME. She marvelled at how I spoke of horrific things with no emotion and a smile! She notes my denial, and slowly as i spoke I began to feel. By evening ....... I could feel much deeper.

I attended a divorce care class and nearly burst in tears in front of everyone. By evening, as I let myself feel the pain I'd been denying, I was overcome with grief and hurt. I walked around feeling like I had been in a car accident and was bleeding to death internally, but no one could see the seriousness of my wounds.

I was shocked, and what I saw in myself upon taking a more honest look at the condition of my heart.

The battle rages on.
I still want to be a super mom, not allow myself to let depression take hold, not allow myself to fall apart. I need to have it all together.

or do I?

What is the lie?