I write this post, while blinded by a torrent of tears. I have to come to realization that the only way to fit into this world is to submit a portrayal of life that others accept. But that is not acceptable to me.
Everyone walks around, sayign things like "how are you?" but no one wants to hear. If on the rare occasion one is completely honest, vulnerable and sincere, the world gasps in shock. Then come the after shock , which is far worse...... honesty brings pain.
I know this from my depth of experience on the subject of pain. I doesn't matter whether it is someone honestly answering a simple question such as " how do I look in this?" or any other question for that matter. Honesty reaps pain.
No one wants to hear the truth. They want a psuedo reality. The world wants you to tell them " fine" when they ask how you are. They want to you make every truth a blurr of white lies to cover the fact that society as a whole cant handle truth.
What if I walked into a room and told everyone that my heart is breaking so badly that I keep asking God to end my life, the sooner the better. What if? And gasps, fly high. But...... no one wants truth. So no matter how much a person hurts, the world wants you to pretend you are ok.
The painful cost of honesty in my life has cost me, and cost me. Yet, I hate deciet. How Ironic is that!!! Tonight, I recieved phone call from my boss. She told me that she is very pleased with my work, and happy with all I do. However, a week and a half ago, I suddenly had to rush to court on the mainland in order to urgently respond to Bill's request to remove restraining orders. I told my boss I had to go to court immediately to secure the custody of my children. She asked questions. Of course everyone knows that if one parent was given sole custody... that means there is an issue with the father. I was honest and told her that I have a restraining order against him, and need to ensure that it is maintained thorugh the courts.
She thought about those things .... and meanwhile foolish me.... I didnt realize my honesty would cost so much. My boss realized that, if something unforseen happened, such as my ex showing up to yell at me. She would be placing Casey in a situation where she cant protect herself.
There is very little likelyhood that my ex would ever show his face. And she knows that. but she said that knowing I have a restraining order out on him, says enough. And I can not guarantee to anyone that he would never find us and go into a rage. Being that I work next door to my home, he would be likely be able to confront me there. And for that reason, I lost my job!!!! She said she could loose her standing as Commitee over Casey's wellfare should someone discover she is knowingly employing a person who could attract harm to Casey, no matter how remote that chance. She decided she cant take the chance. She had to lay me off.
I lost my job because I told my boss why I was heading to the coast. I lost my job because my hsuband has abused me and my children. I lost my job because I was honest about my life. She assured me that she'd rehire me, if my situation became secure and in the meantime she'd write me a reccomendation letter and see if she could get me a job elsewhere.
The bottom line is........ I lost my job because I was honest. I didnt say lots. I didnt spend a half hour giving her details. But..... my life story of abuse and shame is enough to destroy my future apparently. I quite honestly hate my life.
I dread the idea of anyone getting to know me, because I find it impossible to avoid the probing questions that all somehow lead to the true story behind my life. That story being that I have spent the past 35 years, struggling through abusive relationships. I have been defiled and destroyed in more ways than can be destribed on paper.
So in my heart I yearn earnestly to hide my reality. I want to pretend I am a single mother, possibly widowed, who had a normal loving family and a normal childhood. That is deciet.
If anyone wants to get to know me....... I dont know how to hide my story. I dont know how to conceal the harsh reality of the life I have lived. People ask questions. lots of questions. I cant lie.... but the truth constantly leads to so much pain, so much hurt.
I want to live a happy life. I want to love and be loved in return. I want to feel what it is to live in peace. I have yet to experience that for any length of time. Instead my life is a constant rollercoaster of turbulent events that are far out of my grasp.
I know that God orchestrates and plans our lives. I know he plans mine. What I cant figure out, is why God planned on my life to be so descrated and shredded by the perpetual assualts of others. And why God allows the past to rule my future. I so badly wanted a fresh start on the Island. A new beginning. But I dont get one. I have instead a husband who is eager to rip our family in shreds and devastate the children and myself without a second thought. And I am left to pick up the pieces. And as a consequence to the onslough of abuse we survived, the past refuses to stay in the past. Its rearing its ugly head. I want to hide it and conceal it.... and I cant. So I be honest.... and loose my job, my income my source of groceries for my growing children.
I give up...... my quest for integrity and purity leads me into destruction.
As I see it, there are two paths........
I can hide my past...... keep everythign that goes on .... a complete secret. I can pretend to the world that I am fine and that everything is wonderful. Meanwhile I'd secretly fight the giants alone.... I'd share nothing, concealing every detail, every emotion, every struggle, knowing full well that if I share even a tiny bit... people ask more and the truth spills out like a milk from an over turned jug.
Or
I be transparent. I develop a network of friends whom I can trust and I share openly the struggles I am going through. When asked a question by others, such an an employer, I would not purposely decieve them, I'd be truthful. When meeting people, I'd refuse to hide the truth of my life, because this is the life I have been given for a reason. So I'd be honest, open and sincere, hoping I could encourage and inspire them with my journey to healing. But the cost .......oh the cost for that sort of life it soooooo high!!
The cost is... perpetual rejection, dissaproval from others, I could loose my livelyhood... ( oh wait, I just did) I could loose sight of hope..... because the person who would hear the truth of my life story the most would be me! I resent my life. I resent my marraige. My faith is shaken to the core, as I contemplate why God would have planned so much pain for me. And I think.... just I was not loved by my family or my spouse, in the way others are loved. Maybe just maybe God cant possibly love me either and thus explaining why I live in this constant storm of painful events that swirl out of my control, destroying my hopes and dreams over and over and over again.
And that very thought returns me to the torrent of tears that sweep down my face even now. If, for a moment I were honest with both myself and others..... I'd say that I am devastated by life, and yearn for life to end. I am crushed by my reality and ashamed of the life I was created for. I am ashamed of my story, of my childhood and my marraige, not for what I have done but what has been done to me and my children.
I ask myself once more....... do I live honestly with this incredibly painful reality or do I conceal my life, live a sham all for the sake of survival in this heartless world?
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